Iza yg bodo dipagi jumaat

 

ya....ni keta gua yg malang kerna tuannya bodo, over confident masuk parking tanpa mikir ada risiko longkang di depan 😭😭😭😭 ape ke bodo nye la weyyy adehh...jumaat pagi otak da siottt... padahal pagi tu rutin mcm biasa je kot, keluar rumah, drive ikut jalan yg sma, ketenangan jiwa yg sama..masuk parking dgn perasaan tenang yg sama...tukar gerak pegi P, tarik handbrake dgn perasaan yg normal...angkat kaki lepas dari brake, tiber kete ak jatuh menjunam...dua kali taw, satu belah kanan, pastu belah kiri menyusul 😂😂😂😂😂

macam bodo betul, ak keluar kete tengok kaki baby  blue da terbenam, ak gelak...adehh... ak sedih, tp ak tengok muka awin cuak semacam "kak iza kenapa, kuatnya bunyi dia tadi" ak xleh sedih woii...ak gelak...ape bodo punya buat ak pagi ni...setan betoiiii la

pastu kebetulan si julia dari seberang pun bru smpai, terus pegi kt blkg kete ak sambil tnya "kenapa kenapa" ah suda....mamarazi level 3 da sampai....kompem satu ofis tersebar kete ak masuk longkang arini  😂😂😂😂 iza bongok bengong....

call najwa tnya mcm mna dia settle keta dia aritu masuk longkang, dia kata "jap jap nk call mubarak" ah suda..pastu terus semua org yg ada depan ofis keluar...bapak malu siotttttt bodoooo...semua tengok ak dgn muka x percaya ...ape ke bangang pagi2 bawa keta mandi longkang 😭😭😭😭😭

kesudahan nya, yes mmg ak bodo...kete baby blue diselamatkan pakai forklift 😓 si dayat suggest pegi check alignment takut lari..dan arini kemana mana je ak pegi mesti org tnya "iza kenapa pagi tadi" 😷😷😷😷 i can only say, im stoopid today

I am kind, but don't make me insincere

I always knew I am kind with my friends. I always tried to help them whenever possible. I don't mind buying them foods, lending them money, taking them out for meals, give them gifts, etc etc...things that you don't mind doing for your friends. And I hate it if my kindness is being taken for granted.

For example during my primary school, there was this 1 person named R.A, she was poor, and she always borrowed my money, 20cents, 50cents, 20cents again. She borrowed, but never pay back. Then another day she would came to me again asking to borrow another cents. Firstly I didn't mind lending her money cuz I knew she was poor, but when she took advantage of that, cuz I never asked for my money back cuz I pitied her, she kept on coming back to me asking for money, everyday... I hate her, but I never told her that. I had to pretend I was sleeping during recess because I didn't want her to come begging for money. I just didn't know how to turn her down. I am that stoopid.

And then my story with N which I shared before, Im paying, Im the one doing anything, I can't help but felt I am being taken advantage of.

And now my work place, there is this one person, lets call her L, I feel like she is my friend, and she also consider me as close friend. She did once told me her bedroom story with which I was super shocked because usually normal casual friend don't really share bedroom stories like that, and maybe she saw I was taken aback by her story, she never bring her bed story anymore. 

Anyway, our relationship is ongoing pretty normal, we used to go out lunching together at random places, and at that time she was working on the ground level while I was at level 1. There were some small changes in a solar role, D and M took L to do administration, and her place would be beside me. So, starting from sitting beside me, L rarely going out to lunch anymore because she said she already had big breakfast and by lunch time, she is still full. I as always, will went out to alam jaya to buy take away lunch and eat at my desk while watching korean/english drama on my phone. But sometimes she still following me out if she wanted to buy lunch if she was hungry. 

One day, it was scorching hot, its been scorching hot that time, and I dont feel like going out because I had nasi lemak for breakfast, i feel like i just wanna relax in the office during recess. Out of nowhere, L asked me to buy her goreng pisang, and said she malas to go out. So what about me? its hot, im lazy too, u didnt asked me pun whether im going out or staying in? u just order me buy your pisang goreng    -_- wadefak? im so dumbfounded, i dunno how to counter this...dumbly, i go out buy myself food and her goreng pisang...this in not only once..many times ya she asked me buy her pisang goreng, even asked me to asked the vendor give kriuk kriuk..defakkkk now im not sincere at all....but im too kind to say "fak u, get your pisang yourself" i am stoopid...sooo stoopid so cowardd so bloody stoopid 😔

i feel like she purposely getting close to me for her benefit, if not why when she is downstair, she wanna go lunch like everyday, then when she sit beside me, no need go out lunching everyday cuz everyday oso meet me? my second assign doter, cynically asking me whether L still tumpang2 me balik onot, i said yes..she just smugged, she oso feel im being taken advantage of..my second doter is a sharp person..n i kno shes not wrong, i too feel like im taken for granted, i am beneficial to have around, and i never trouble people.

Now L meniaga at bazar ramadhan K.S, last year she meniaga at eco world je, i went there la support thing bagai, then i bought 2 tudung, but that tudung i havent wear until now...cuz its just basic tudung one, not raya one punya stail taw...i oso dunno where dat tudung went...so this year she meniaga at KS, KS is jauh u kno...i saw la she update wasap status, at ig and fb abaout her xtvt...and then yesterday is the second day she mentioned to me she started going there ady to meniaga, during which i sent her home...now why she wanna highlight dat at the end of the journey, is she expecting me to go jauh2 at KS which have nothing for me to show support? eh,, i dun want la...i dun want drive jauh2 tmpt ramai org, malas taw...no need to highlight anymore la,, i dun wanna go...😒 i hope one day i can be evil, say things i want without thinking it might hurt other people, not caring wat everyone think about me....saying no to things that i dun want..etc etc...i dun wanna be kind la plesss.

We have our own demon inside

 

Things are quiet boring at the office. No work to be done, no report to be rushed, no people to bother. The only thing I can do every morning coming to the office is sit down, start the pc, login into SQL, and paint my nails 😂 so bored.

There is rumor going around hot right now, but only several people know. About June and Shah, their scandalous affair. Both are known to have bf/gf, but they were seen together in private several times. And it is a gossip because, it involves something more than just typical scandal/secret dating. It might also involve khalwat scenario, maybe?

Usually I like hearing juicy gossip, like you know for example, gossip about Ms Hen where everyone hates her. Oh, when you hear people trash talking her, you feel joy and happy because you are a psychopath who loves to hear how teruk someone is, and that is because Ms Hen is not my friend. And then there is also gossip about Pidah and her enormous tetek which is the favorite of many foreigners, and her triage scandal involving Eamy and one foreigner. Oh, what a bliss hearing those gossip out. Then comes Shah, who is not my friend and I barely know Shah, however I consider June as friend, and hearing those gossip about them make me feel guilty. Should I feel joy? Thrilled? Happy cuz its juicy? Or should I just totally mind my own business? Should I tell June about the gossip? I don't know, I am blanked everytime I think about it. Part of me said, don't bother, this is none of your business, other part of me said, tell him this Puncak Alam area is hotspot orang tangkap khalwat, so June should be careful, and then tell that Shah is actually seeing someone while having affair with June.

Hurmmm... maybe I just mind my own bussiness. It's not my problem, I and June not really close btw...Let them have their demon, while I keep mine, hidden 😐

Was it panic attack? Was it delusion? Was it something else?

 It has been so long...

I was preparing a special dinner, grill chicken with poached veges and fries. I was just about to cut up the broccoli when suddenly the fire alarm went off. 

RINGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

I waited for it to stop....

And waited...

And after what seemed like an eternal 1 minute, the ringing still didn't stop, and I looked down to my hands, my hands were shaking, shivering, trembling with fear. My heart was racing, it felt like it wanted to get out from my body. As fast as I can, I ran to the room and grabbed my black bag with my purse in it, took my cardigan, grabbed my keys, and pulled Danish's hand out of the door.

As I stepped out of the door, the fire alarm rang louder as it was directly just beside my door house. I smelled something burnt, and it was fogy with smoke. My heart was pounding. I quickly put on Danish's shoes and dragged his ass out of the grill, heading towards the emergency staircase. I was thinking whether to take the middle stair which was just over there beside my house, or should I went to the end of the corridor stairwell. I was so scared that either one of the emergency exist was blocked by fire. After 30seconds, I dragged Danish to the middle one. He was so slow, playing games at his phone, so I carried him downstairs asap from Level 9 to Level ground. He was cheering me on, "Mama mama 4, mama 1 lagi 1 lagi" 😒 "mama nape dia x stop?" 

After what seems like forever, we reached down and we went to the gazebo just beside the high-rise because it was raining lightly, I didn't want Danish to be wet by the rain. The alarm was still ringing, but it felt like a heavy burden was just lifted off from my shoulder. I said to myself, "now we are safe". My heart slowly returned to the normal pacing rate, my hands stop trembling, and my mind was getting clearer. 

The alarm stopped after about 15 - 20 minutes, with no visible fire. I waited another 15 minutes before I could go home in peace.

......................................................................................................................................................................

This incident got me wondering, what was the burnt smell and fogy smoke I experienced back then? Was my mind playing trick? Was I delusional? What was it? It was not the first time my mind tricked me.

Back when there was an earthquake news hitting Indonesia somewhere and the vibration could reach Malaysia, I immediately felt like my vision was tilting left and right, the ground was spinning, and I was losing balance. 😐 Day that, every time I came across the word earthquake, I felt like the ground shook a little bit. That day my day was filled with insecurity of the company's roof crashing on top of my head.

Seems like my senses are heightened during those panic moments. It causes my eyes seeing things that aren't real, smelling things that do not exist. Making me overthinking of all the worst possible scenarios. How do I differentiate between what is real and what is not in time of panic? I hate feeling like this, like I cannot control myself. 😞

Thinking back, maybe flying is not that scary, but because my sense was being a fucking hyperbolic, every turbulence felt scary and the plane will crash.