i will stay strong

"find someone else....."

i guess, we are officially off rite now. n i admit, the moment i read that last message of yours, i shed a few tears because ur words hurt me again, at time when i needed some cheering and some consolation, u hit me hard at my heart. and i have to admit that u r getting good at it too. 

honestly, though it hurts, i still think nothing of it. i was just like, "yeay! go to hell, like i give a damn! screw u secret-keeper!!! u didnt tell me anything then u want me to understand u?? what the fuck!" n i just went back to sleep as i need to find the strength to face the next harsh day tomorrow.

n the tomorrow day came, wit lots of suprising elements...i was attacked mentally by those brutal monsters and i broke down...cuz i just can't take it anymore...with the shittest person i met, wit the upcoming triple exams i havent revise yet, problem wit u also...n to think that i even ordered us a pair of lovey-dovey keychain carved wit our names on it, but i kno that the keychain wud meant nothing anymore....it hurts....hurts a lot....and i just cant take it anymore...n i broke down in front of strangers, who cant even console me, tell me that everything's gonna be okay...i dont even know whether i can handle it any further..it was so painful to experience this alone...

but then, yesterday....ejan helped me wit those brutal monsters n i dont have to face them anymore...it is finally over...i am getting free....i will no longer have to deal with those nasty people...n i could take some deep breath right now and relax a bit...n guess wat, i tot i want to cancel the name carving  to the keychain that i bought for us, but mr firdaus already carved our names on it, n it was beautiful, but irreversible...so i just took the keychain and wondering wat sud i do wit them both...right now i just let them hanging loose on the board in front of my face, thinking how it wud be wonderful if i can just give it to u...but it is impossible right now, cuz u might just throw it away...

n then last nite was a horrible night for me..because it was lonely...no more incoming text messages from u, no more wishful good night, no more story telling for the day, no more pain expressing moments, no more kiss from those lovely smiley text...and no more you...last night was the moment when i really feel the intense of having our relationship broken, cuz i miss u so much, but then we ended up splitting and it seems that we are finally over...it hurts a lot when u realize in just another several days we could be celebrating our 1st year anniversary..but it didnt happen the way we wanted...it is so hurtful to finally know that we are not meant for each other...i swear it is so hurt and painful. i dont know if u ever feel the same way too, u probably hate me right now and cursing me days and nights...

those night when u told me that u already got a job, i was really happy and i wished to say 'CONGRATULATIONS!' to u, but i was just too engrossed wit my madness that i totally leave the wish behind, because i thought that we wud be okie again..but im wrong...so, let me say it here....

'congratulations on the new job...i hope u give ur best and get ur permanent job as soon as possible..i am so proud of u for not giving up n ready to start from a scratch...i hope u will build a new life wit ur new job n u r willing to be a really independent adult now, because, u cant always depend on your family...sooner or later, u hev to hev ur own life...i hope u r ready to embark on that next phase of life of urs...be strong!'

breaking up wit u was painful...but i know that i have to move on...i have to endure this pain for a while before it becomes nothing to me...before i have the strength to build another relationship anymore...i wish that i wud get over u soon, because im tired of shedding tears every second i think about u, about us, about the time that we spent together...the memories were beautiful, but they will just be memories...time will come for me to create another one...n hopefully the future memory will be better than i have wit u...in the meantime, i will stay strong....i hope u do the same too....good luck!