That's why you should be above other people so that you can make decision sesuka hati

I am quite frustrated....i felt like being cast away...under-apprediated....kept in the dark...unsupervised...and plenty more....feeling like i am wasting my time and huh! actually, i am quite tired of waiting things...

the point of this entry is just to announce that my allowance for this june is only rm400 which is not even enough to feed me as i already do the budget to keep rm500 every month to pay all the important stuffs such as the rent, bills, debt and car fuel.....

nevertheless, how can i disagree when he mentioned that he will pay me rm400 only...who am i to object him? he is someone with a "Dr" title kot (yeah, he's always proud with that title of him)

he said that i just recently received my april + mei payment and he thought that rm400 will be enough since im not making any progress...and this is where i am actually getting bitter at...i spend all my days sitting in front of my laptop, researching, planning for what i thought to be my future project and i even put everything in my log book, i already design the fucking primers, i saved every protocols that i came across with...and i am waiting for that day to order my chemicals and reagents and kits (whatever you call them) because i am so fucking ready to do the lab work (yes!!! i am tired of sitting and reading)

he doesn't even bother to look at my log book, and doesn't even bother to let me present, yet he said i didnt make any progress...well, ain't that cruel?

but the fault is on me too because i can't argue with him...how can i? that's not even my salary, it was an allowance and to think that i actually hoping to get another 1k for this month is just too much...

i am heart broken dowh....money money money where r you....well, i am really thinking of working somewhere just in case to support my unstable life...malu dowh nk minta duet kat bapak banyak2 kali...

i am changing supervisor this time, and i hope my new supervisor will be a whole lot better than him....yeah, i am keeping my finger crossed this time...

aku yang bodoh

ak x menyatakan yg ak sayang kepadanya, tetapi ak betul mula menyukainya kerana dia mempunyai impian dan cita-cita, berbudi bahasa dan berfikiran matang...ak mengaguminya actually, ak boleh nmpk diri ak pada masa hadapan apabila ak bersama dgn nya, berfikiran secara rasional, tidak mudah memaki hamun, tenang dalam setiap perbuatan, dan segalanya....di tambah pula dengan sikap mudah mesra dia terhadap ku, segala-gala nya dia ceritakan, pasal dirinya, keluarga, kerjaya, pengalaman hidup..."this is a very nice experience" i said to myself each time im going out with him...and im really ready to put the past relationship behind me, ready to move on, ready to distance myself with ash, and ready to prepare myself for whatever that's coming to my way...and i even let my mother know each time im going out with him, so that he would not turn up out of the blue someday when i am ready to introduce him properly to my parent....

and guess what...

ALL THAT WAS A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who would have thought that one fine saturday morning i would received a message from some number claiming to be his wife? (and he said to me that he is single and i believed him). i made my own conclusion, i thought it was his best friend and so i carelessly humor myself by texting to the number that im gonna be her honey and im really looking forward to it. and as the texting go, little by little im feeling a bit tense, because "she" sounded like one (the wife), and i asked ash to go to whatsapp and wechat and search her number up. and that was when the truth came out...

it was a woman diver at whatsapp, and on the wechat, it was that same woman with him, sitting side by side, smiling. only god knows how i felt at that time. and suddenly, out of nowhere, tears streaming down my face while i was gobbling mcd's hashbrown. how can this happen like this? how? why? why? i can't think at that moment. i am speechless, i felt betrayed, lied upon, i feel stupid right until now, i feel angry, i feel ....i dont know how to describe my other feelings...if i ever stab my chest with a knife, then probably i can tell you that it would feel the same. i was so shocked and i couldn't stop my tears. and imagine that at that moment, i was having my breakfast with ash, and there were lots of people nearby. and i can tell that some even noticed me crying, but hell i care about all those other people....

i apologized to her for my only-me-myself-humored text messages, and she told me to look upon her facebook. and on that facebook cover were her and him on their wedding day, wearing purple sanding outfit. and there was his facebook to, with facebook cover of him and her on their wedding day also but in a white outfit. and it was all proven, she is his wife, and i feel like i should really kill myself right now for all the embarrassedment that i felt, the stupidness of my logic thinking, the easy-to-melt heart, the everything!!! i don't even want that day to exist at that time. i feel so fuckingly stupid!

i was so weak, she started asking questions about when did i meet his husband, where did we went, what did we do etc etc...and i just keep on answering her, maybe because of guilt? i don't know. i can't think straight, i was lost and i hope that she started to scold me but she didn't. she was only asking the whereabout of his husband and me on certain date, dates that his husband kept missing from her. and i fitted her jigsaw puzzles dates perfectly, confirming that each time the husband went missing on her, he was with me. 

 

and lastly she snapped, she texted me something like this, (i've deleted the original message because i know that if i keep it, i will repeatedly read it, and i will be repeatedly hurt by it) 

 

"awak tahu ke suami saya tu penganggur, kereta yang awak naik tu kereta saya, kerja yang dia cakap kat awak tu saya yang punya, saya yg kerja kat ***, event2 tu semua saya yang handle, hotel semua saya yang booking, duit yang dia keluar utk awak tu semua hasil titik peluh saya tahu. dia kata kat saya yang dia risau saya drive sorg2 ke kl, rupa-rupanya dia ada niat lain. malam rabu tu saya yg risau tggu dia sampai malam x balik2, bila kol dia bg mcm2 alasan, rupa-rupanya dia dengan awak. ......."

 

there were some sentences after that that really made me angry, but i already forgot what they were, but yeah, that last sentence was so cruel that i can barely breathe at the time i finished reading her message, and yeah of course i replied to her brutal message, giving a brutal message myself, saying that i am being lied too, i am a fool to trust an old man, that i actually have a better future and i dont really care about her god-damned-money that she thinks i was spending on. and the last sentence i gave her was i think, the most powerful one... 

"kalau akak masih nak tanggung lagi jantan keparat macam tu, suka hati akak la, saya x heran langsung!"

and maybe after that she realized that i am a victim too, and she just asked about any other dates and places without scolding me. and i answered her obediently. and that conversation ended just like that.

hari jumaat yang penuh dengan plan yang istimewa~

dan sebenarnya tujuan asal ak menaip kat sini bukan la nk bagitahu plan ak di hari ini utk hari esok atau minggu depan akan tetapi ak ingin mengadu pasal kak M lg......

T_T ak dari dlu dok usha sampah yang berusia hari sabtu lepas.....dan ak rsa sampah pada hari ini adalah sampah yang sama yang x dibuang-buang dari dlu lg....bezanya sampah itu skrg adalah lebih banyak lagi ditambah pula kak M tu dok rajin beno masak...

ye, smlm ak balik rumah ak mendapati rice cooker ak digunakan sekali lg (opkos beras murah ak pun diguna sma walhal ak nengok ada je beras mahal faiza taj mahal 1 pek) dan ade nasi separuh dlm tu yg x abes mkn oleh kak M....dan ade lauk kt atas dapur gas dalam kuali ak,.....dan lauk tu ak x taw ape benda sbb ak xde teringin pun nk jenguk2 masakan yg dimasak whether oleh kak M or kak A (ye, ak dok serumah ngan org dewasa yg lebih tua yg bekerjaya!) dan ak sgt bebal sbb ak x suka barang ak diguna, ditinggal2 camtu dan x dibasuh!!!

ak tggu je hari ni...kalau dia x cuci gak rice cooker or kuali ak tu, sumpah ak bawa masuk semua barang ak dlm bilik!!!!!

nak kata rude? helo...barang ak, suka hati ak la nk buat mcm mna pun...ak xde masalah la ko nk pinjam barang ak, ko jga la leklok!!!

ok, so plan esok (semoga direstui mak tulang) ak akan travel ke perak tercinta bersama abe tulang hahahhaha....jalan pegi matrik perak dan amek bebarang adek dia...huahuahua best best best!! rsa mcm kt jepun plak buat car date....dan ak berharap adek dia yg akan duk bersama dlm satu keta nti akn senyap je sbb yes, i wud like to enjoy the moment~ lalala

dan plan next week plan, encik adam yg gorgeous akan bertandang ke selangor sbb dia ade kursus kt bangi!!! wah!!! chance chance chance!!! dia kata nk lepak kt shah alam tengok bola...hehehehhe tp, ak rsa mcm susah je nk travel pegi shah alam...gaji pun x masuk2 lg ni...dlm bank tinggal rm30 je kot, boleh keluar pun rm20 je lg T_T bila gaji i nk masuk~ huhuhuhu nak pinjam kt mak pak rsa segan sbb diorg akan masuk kn duet ribu riban utk bayar yuran, xkn nk minta duet belanja lg....nk pinjam ngan cash box kak serene pun, arie tu da pinjam rm300, law pinjam banyak lg nti kna bayar pun banyak juga.....em, maybe xde rezeki la kot nk jumpa encik adam.....

pacik kolam lak? ntah....ak rsa dilema....encik ari baek sgt kt ak dua tiga menjak ni....pacik kolam pun baek gak tp x sebaik encik ari...but both can't answer my questions....kinda disappointed and feel like being dipermainkan pun ada....n i can't choose one yet cuz they both don't really know how to place me in their life, so i guess it's just fair not to choose any of them now...

 

alkisah kak M~

sblm ak lupa baek ak menceritakan bibit2 kepahitan hidupku sbg pengongsi sewa dgn seorg makhluk bernama M...oleh sbb dia sgt tua daripada ku iaitu 27 tahun maka dgn rsa hormat ku panggil dia kak M....tu pun ak tataw smpai bila rsa hormat kpd umur tu akan berkekalan....kalau ikut rsa, mawu je ak bantai kepala otak dia yg xde serupa dgn umur tua dia tu....

pd satu hari, akak tu masuk....ak berharap pada tuhan moga yg masuk tu adalah seorg tomboy pengkid so bley la kmi melakukan hubungan terlarang mcm dlm komik yg selalu chem baca, akan tetapi, malang tu berbau busuk krn yg masuk tu jaoh bara dari api...so xpe la kn, ak pun bersyukur gak sbb xde la nti ak kna laknat dgn tuhan...

then, ak pegi shah alam n tido kt situ for the rest of my weekend....bila ak balik rumah, rumah xley bukak sbb ade cipan bru masuk lock tombol pintu padahal tombol tu da mmg rosak...so ak terpaksa import japanese dari meru (japan la sgt) utk memecahkan tombol berkenaan...bla bla bla berjaya...bla bla aku masuk rumah setelah dua hari xde kt rumah dan WHAT THE FUCCCKKK??????

ak terlihat rice cooker mamiji tersadai layu atas lantai dgn isi perut nasi + kerak2 nasi yg belum berbasuh T_T dan dapur gas yg penuh minyak, minyak i yg da tinggal kurang dari separuh (padahal ak x penah guna minyak utk deep fried pun) cawan cun yg penuh dgn minyak yg da diguna, dinding yg penuh dgn percikan2 cili boh dan minyak, meja dapur gas yg kotor dgn ak pun tataw kekotoran apa....dan tong sampah yg almost full and maybe da berusia dua hari yg blom dibuang....

betapa luluh dan pilunya hati ku pabila melihat adegan tersebut ditayangkn...mna pegi org yg bertanggungjawab?? ak taw, ni keja kak M, bukan cipan bru masuk tu...masakan cipan tu berani guna barang org tanpa bersua muka dahulu dgn owner barang terbabit...

ak da memang hot time tu...oh please god dont make me deal with yana's twin (btw, yana is super fucktard disgusting gross woman who grows kulat and maggots in her cooking dish n kitchenware) tp sbnr nya ak penat so ak x larat nk layan semua benda membangangkan ni....ak bid gudbye tu japan then ak mandi and tido.....

esok nye akak tu balik ptg la kot, then ak balik lewat cikit arie tu, sja je nk menggembirakan hari Dr, then why the hell bila ak balik je baru kak M tu terhegeh hegeh nk basuh rice cooker??? helo, ak bajet dia masak nasi hari sabtu kot then dia balik kg or merayau entah ke mana...the persoalan is, kenapa dia x cuci dlu semua benda tu sblm dia keluar rumah ???WHY???

argghh da ak malas nk layan...da la air mineral ak selamba badak dia minum...sabun cuci ak dia buat mcm harta...lampu kipas electricity dia buat mcm bapa dia  yg bayar....ak mmg x suka dgn low minded dan no common sense dia....

bla bla bla, ak puasa rini so ak msk le nasi dan telor, dan ak yg bersihkan dapur gas syiall tu sbb ye, ak geli nk msk kt dapur gas kotoq!!! ak xley bayang kn kalau duduk dgn dia sethaun tanpa basuh dapur gas tu, ntah cemana tahap kekotoran dapur gas berkenaan...

so xpe, ak da sahur then ak tidoq jap before ak gi mandi....then ak gi mandi so ak buka la paip utama toilet ak (since paip sinki rosak) sedang seronok ak nk mandi, tetiba ade plak org ketuk pintu toilet ak....TOK TOK TOK so ape lg ak pun buka je la...bila ak buka muka kak M ade kt depan pintu 

"kalau iza buka paip akak xde air nk mandi" krik krik krik......

masalah ak ke toilet ko slow air dia? shit....dia bley suro ak tutup air dekat toilet ak semata dia nk mandi..jebon! tp oleh sbb ak ade baldi yg super besar so ak x kisah sgt la nk tutup air paip tu kn....jebon, x sangka btol ak...selfish bastard punya mangkuk...damn!!!

so ini adalah bibit2 kebencian ku terhadap makhluk bernama kak M...dan ak berjanji bila ada lg peristiwa membencikan dgn dia, akn ku tulis kt sini supaya perangai buruk dia tu akn tetap ku ingat smpai ak mati!!!!

satu jantan pergi, ramai jantan masih menanti......

hai....hari ni ak sgt hepi sbb satu jantan yang susah dideal dengan telah pun pergi buat selamanya, or maybe buat 2 tahun...hehehhe jantan tersebut bernama "DAMNED STICKER KERETA" 

YE!!!! ak sgt benci bila kena tahan kat depan gate yuaitiem bila ak xde sticker!!! alkisah mcm ak ni penjenayah yg bakal membakar dan membunuh semua makhluk bersticker kt dlm yuaitiem tu...ak sgt benci!!! ak nk daftar keta tp ak sendiri pun masih anak tiri yuaitiem, masakan ak bley daftar tanpa no matrik bagai....so ak kna buat apa????

ak pun duduk bodo dan menunggu bila masa la ak nye application nk kna approve dek irmis or ipsis tu...ak pun tataw camne diorg bley bekerja dgn pace yg sgt lembab mengalahkan cipan kudung....nk kena ketuk bru berjalan, tu pun kna ketuk dgn hammer thor, kalau guna hammer biasa kompem x gerak ke mana....

so, bila x kena approve lg, ak xley daftar online utk keta nye sticker, bila xde sticker, ak kna tahan depan gate dan di tanya ak ni spe....maw je ak ckp yg ak pun da x kenal siapa diri ak yg sebenarnya, tetapi oleh kerana perasaan malu yg masih menebal dalam sanubari ku, ku gagahi jua menyatakan bahawa ak anak tiri yuaitiem, penumpang gelap, pendatang tanpa izin~ dan ak dibebaskan tanpa sebarang ikat jamin...tp ade satu makhluk budu tu siap tulis lg ak nye plat keta...bedebah!!!ko x paham pun masalah yg membelenggu diri ku ini, kau tanpa perasaan belas kasihan terus menjatuhkan hukuman ke atas kancil yg x bersalah itu!! mawu je ak langgar lari ko arie tu taw..tp oleh sbb kancil punya momentum yg lembab mengalahkan badak air bila dia da start slow down, ak pun membuang imaginasi melampau tersebut sbb ak taw, law ak langgar lari pun ko xkn mati punya...huhuhu betapa ak berharap yg ak tengah bawak ferrari time tu T_T

so...lepas da dpt sticker rm5 tu, rasa nya xde masalah la kot ak nk kuar masuk sesuka hati ak pasni....hhehehehe da bley wat plan jahat dowh!! mula2 nk curi barang kt lab tut...then barang kt lab tu...oh, mesin kat lab tut pun mahal gak!! MUAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!

tp ini bukan la satu kemenangan, bru je satu jantan yg membelenggu diri ku ini blah, ade pulak yg laen masih menghimpit diriku yg kesian ini...huhuhu problem, when r u going away????