mental kurang waras setan suka

aku rasa, tiap2 kali time exam ja, mesti kewarasan mental aku tercabar...asyik2 kepala mesti penuh dgn masalah + konflik + andaian-tanggapan negatif + kerja berlambak + masalah dunia sprt pacik rumput dan kipas babi + kebosanan dan mcm2 lagi masalah dunia yg menghantui diriku...

mcm semalam, gado dgn encik lubang idung besar sbb beliao tido awal and mungkir janji utk sembang2 ngan ak...ak x ley law xde sapa nk layan perangai buruk ak ney...huhu, so xpe la, masing2 mogok antara satu sama lain...ak stress, dia pun xde mood gak....pastu, ak pown tengah pikir gak pasal insiden naj tarik rambut ak kuat2 mcm benci gila kt ak...BABI KAU NANAJ!!! syial r!!! x penah lg org nk tarik rambut ak sebabi kau tawu!!! benci sgt kew kt aku? ntah apsal dia ley naik gila babi sampai mcm tue skali...ak agak dia da baca blog ak mengenai semua kutukan2 ak terhadap nya...baca jew la, ak maki org kt blog pun sbb ak xde hati nk maki depan2~

pompuan ney hati lemah, kena kutuk + maki sekali da tacink...tue yg xleh nk kutuk depan2 tue...takut nti terputus silaturahim pulak...kn da berdosa >.< len la kalau ko mmg da besfren ngan makhluk2 caci maki ney...ak dan bff2 ak mmg suma mencarut antara satu sama lain...takat cakap babi syial dan yg sama waktu dgn nyew tue xde hal la...xde sapa nk makan hati sbb masing2 taw tue adalah perkataan bodo jew...ak law takat kna carut babi jew pown leh rilex lg, siap ak bg midfing lg sbb nk balas balik...ye la, tue cuma joke kot~

tp, law encik ashaari yg marah kt ak, dia x maki >.< dia just deliver 1 ayat jew pown da ley bagi ak makan dalam yg teramat sgt....1 ayat simple jew pown, tp sakit nyew kt hati sgt luar biasa :( smlm, sbg ending chatting, dia sent "get lost" dan ak rsa mcm kena tampar~ dan ak bercadang utk totally get lost dari dia....sgt sentap ooowww itu ayat T_T

beberapa jam kemudian....

well, ak agak sober untuk menyatakan bahawa menda ney menda kecik and remeh temeh jew so aku nk make up dgn dia....ak kol bnyk kali dia x angkat...then dia text "nape?" then ak kata la ak tanak gado...pastu ada la bbrp siri texting and calling yg x terangkat...masa tue ayaq mata + liuq da meleleh2 gembira da kot...pastu tetiba kt twitter ney ada 1 update pasal "self-harmer" or org yg style toreh2 diri sendiri...so xpe la, ak baca sbb kenapa diorg ney brave enuf utk toreh tgn sampai kuaq darah dan ak rsa mcm "hey, i belong with those self-harmer, my heart is painful enough that i really want the pain to stop, so why not i cut myself and see if the physical pain can overcome the sadness i feel inside" dan godaan setan masa tue teramat la kuat!!! ak da siap pegang cutter lak tue >.< cuma x berani lg la nk letak kt tgn kiri T_T huhu....

sambil2 mencari keberanian utk melepaskan darah drpd vein, sambil2 tue juga ak keep on texting ash dan twitterring ngan makhluk2 caci maki....perghh~ ak x sangka diorg sgt care :P hehehe rsa best la kena pujuk camtu skali :D pastu encik ashaari pun, dia x pujuk -_-' tp dia suka balas pertanyaan dgn pertanyaan....dan lama2 mood ak nk maen toreh2 terbantut...yew la, maybe sbb ak da dpt perhatian yg ak nak kan kot :P muahahahahhaha

so last sekali, ash idung besaq dan ak idung kecik da berbaik semula dan geng2 cacimaki meneruskan kehidupan dgn hati tenang sbb kegilaan ak da berakhir...muahahahahaha!!!

the memory would lose, but the feeling will remain~

u know, so far my life has been so good....smooth all way long...i have a good family, we have enough food on the table, my father has had a good job and he's retired now, my mom has a good job too, we have roof on top of our head, comfortable beds to sleep on, even if we are not rich, but we have enough to live on...and i never experienced any hardship such as having to go out to support myself or whatnot~ and i never came across someone so bad like all my friends did (maybe i did but i just cant remember the evil thing people did to me, except 4 several dat i despise) in a nutshell, my life is so smooth that i am really grateful to be born in this 'pingu' human body, yup i could not deny some conflicts i had to dealt with but the conflicts were all temporary...when the dateline was over, so was the conflict...

because of the smoothness of my life, i can never imagine the life of someone who have to work in order to get themselves money to spend on something they like...i myself never work before...what is it like to not having enough food? to not having someone who love you? to feel the lost of the loved one? to ever feel betrayed, humiliated, stabbed at your back and such? i never felt any of it before...therefore i could not imagine what does it feel like...

and i find myself drawn into people like this...maybe because i think they suffered enough, and it is my duty to at least ease their burden a bit by giving them some of what i have with me...it is not a big deal actually...they are my friends, therefore it is not wrong for me to show my affection and kindness to them...to me, sharing things that i have with them give me the happiness feeling, i want them to know that somebody care for them...and they don't have to starve themselves, or hold themselves for buying things that they feel not worth it~

but sometimes, i do regret giving them much privilege...because some keep coming back for more...pushing me actually...i treated them out of sincerity, whenever i feel like i want to...but to have them asking me to buy them things, i could not tolerate it...and to make matter worse, i am the one that they want to handle it all...i do the ordering, i do the paying, then i do the fetching....eating? me and them....see? they want me to buy them food, ok, i could do that...why cant they make themselves useful by fetching the food delivered to us then? lazy? do not know how to fetch it? or u just want to feel what it's like to be a master who have a slave to order to? if u that stupid, u can learn it by experiencing the stupid thing urself, why giving so many excuses? I AM NOT UR FUCKING SLAVE!!!

thankfully i come into my right mind that time, rather than having myself being treated like a dog fetching a bone after it was thrown, i withdraw myself from this lose-win interaction, where i lose and u win all the time...i mean, yes!!! u always wanted to win right??? i dunno why u always treat me like i m such a lower form of life when u can treat others well....am i that easy to you? have i shown u mercy that permit u to treat me like ur slave? am i dat stupid? is it me and my wrong judgement? cant u see that i cant bear knowing u feeling hungry when im feeding myself, that's why i went to all the trouble just to have meals with you, then u treat me like this...i feel like being used!!! USED!!!! USED!!!

there was a time when i felt like this before, it was when i changed my high school in perlis...the only friend at that time was this junior who was my dormmate, yup, i like her, i seriously do...i dunno why, but over time, i really hate her...even hearing her name being mentioned could make me feel like punching myself in the face!!! I HATE HER SO MUCH!!! but, i could not remember what have she done to me...that's what happen when everytime i hate someone, i just hate them, but i forgot on why do i hate them on the first thing...maybe because at that time, the pain was so strong that my mind could not bear to store the painful memory into my brain, so the memory was cast away...

even though i could no longer remember what she did, i still hate her until now...as for you, i hope i would not store any memory of yours too....so that when we are away cashing our lifepath, and we meet again, i could still be your friend and hopefully i would not hate you by then...because i know the memory would lose, but the feeling remains~ please, do not make me feel like im a toy again, will you? but i doubt it, because i think u are a kind that toying with people in order to survive in ur life, life forced you to do that, and yet, i will still blame you if u use me again....

when you u-turned 4 me~

it was a rocky end to our date..

and i admit that i might have been a little too emotional...

but i dunno why...

maybe because the clothes that i wore made me look fat...

so i felt a little bit insecure...

and the insecurity grew when you avoid my grasp...

you were all joking..

but i got mad, really mad...

and then things started to turn worse...

u lost your mood, i lost mine...

we just wanted that date to end quickly...

and we didn't even bid proper goodbye when you departed...

and you were gone, out of my sight...

and i raced back to my room...

swearing to you, swearing to myself...

and i got so mad that i felt like my head would exploded...

so i washed my face, and took out the lens...

and as i prepared to take a very long shower, you called...

"abg ada kt ukm ney, meh la turun bawah, bawak biskut dan air sekali ea"

i was shocked, but at the same time i was confused...

nevertheless, i went to get you, with those horrible-taste cookies...

and when i saw your face, your face was totally differ from when you were gone...

your face was so...

i dont know how to say it, but the moment i saw your face...

tears were filling up my eyes, but they never stream down, thank god they didnt!

and i was so touched, because you came back to me...

because you could not just let this date ended like that...

with you and i both feeling angry towards each other...

our last date for 2012 should not end like that, that was why you made that u-turned...

to mend things out...

and i am really glad that you did...

because it made me love you more....

you made me feel appreciated, and valuable...

and i like you making me feel that way...

thank you, for coming back to me...

and i love you soooo muchhh, more than i can ever say...