u know, so far my life has been so good....smooth all way long...i have a good family, we have enough food on the table, my father has had a good job and he's retired now, my mom has a good job too, we have roof on top of our head, comfortable beds to sleep on, even if we are not rich, but we have enough to live on...and i never experienced any hardship such as having to go out to support myself or whatnot~ and i never came across someone so bad like all my friends did (maybe i did but i just cant remember the evil thing people did to me, except 4 several dat i despise) in a nutshell, my life is so smooth that i am really grateful to be born in this 'pingu' human body, yup i could not deny some conflicts i had to dealt with but the conflicts were all temporary...when the dateline was over, so was the conflict...
because of the smoothness of my life, i can never imagine the life of someone who have to work in order to get themselves money to spend on something they like...i myself never work before...what is it like to not having enough food? to not having someone who love you? to feel the lost of the loved one? to ever feel betrayed, humiliated, stabbed at your back and such? i never felt any of it before...therefore i could not imagine what does it feel like...
and i find myself drawn into people like this...maybe because i think they suffered enough, and it is my duty to at least ease their burden a bit by giving them some of what i have with me...it is not a big deal actually...they are my friends, therefore it is not wrong for me to show my affection and kindness to them...to me, sharing things that i have with them give me the happiness feeling, i want them to know that somebody care for them...and they don't have to starve themselves, or hold themselves for buying things that they feel not worth it~
but sometimes, i do regret giving them much privilege...because some keep coming back for more...pushing me actually...i treated them out of sincerity, whenever i feel like i want to...but to have them asking me to buy them things, i could not tolerate it...and to make matter worse, i am the one that they want to handle it all...i do the ordering, i do the paying, then i do the fetching....eating? me and them....see? they want me to buy them food, ok, i could do that...why cant they make themselves useful by fetching the food delivered to us then? lazy? do not know how to fetch it? or u just want to feel what it's like to be a master who have a slave to order to? if u that stupid, u can learn it by experiencing the stupid thing urself, why giving so many excuses? I AM NOT UR FUCKING SLAVE!!!
thankfully i come into my right mind that time, rather than having myself being treated like a dog fetching a bone after it was thrown, i withdraw myself from this lose-win interaction, where i lose and u win all the time...i mean, yes!!! u always wanted to win right??? i dunno why u always treat me like i m such a lower form of life when u can treat others well....am i that easy to you? have i shown u mercy that permit u to treat me like ur slave? am i dat stupid? is it me and my wrong judgement? cant u see that i cant bear knowing u feeling hungry when im feeding myself, that's why i went to all the trouble just to have meals with you, then u treat me like this...i feel like being used!!! USED!!!! USED!!!
there was a time when i felt like this before, it was when i changed my high school in perlis...the only friend at that time was this junior who was my dormmate, yup, i like her, i seriously do...i dunno why, but over time, i really hate her...even hearing her name being mentioned could make me feel like punching myself in the face!!! I HATE HER SO MUCH!!! but, i could not remember what have she done to me...that's what happen when everytime i hate someone, i just hate them, but i forgot on why do i hate them on the first thing...maybe because at that time, the pain was so strong that my mind could not bear to store the painful memory into my brain, so the memory was cast away...
even though i could no longer remember what she did, i still hate her until now...as for you, i hope i would not store any memory of yours too....so that when we are away cashing our lifepath, and we meet again, i could still be your friend and hopefully i would not hate you by then...because i know the memory would lose, but the feeling remains~ please, do not make me feel like im a toy again, will you? but i doubt it, because i think u are a kind that toying with people in order to survive in ur life, life forced you to do that, and yet, i will still blame you if u use me again....
and i find myself drawn into people like this...maybe because i think they suffered enough, and it is my duty to at least ease their burden a bit by giving them some of what i have with me...it is not a big deal actually...they are my friends, therefore it is not wrong for me to show my affection and kindness to them...to me, sharing things that i have with them give me the happiness feeling, i want them to know that somebody care for them...and they don't have to starve themselves, or hold themselves for buying things that they feel not worth it~
but sometimes, i do regret giving them much privilege...because some keep coming back for more...pushing me actually...i treated them out of sincerity, whenever i feel like i want to...but to have them asking me to buy them things, i could not tolerate it...and to make matter worse, i am the one that they want to handle it all...i do the ordering, i do the paying, then i do the fetching....eating? me and them....see? they want me to buy them food, ok, i could do that...why cant they make themselves useful by fetching the food delivered to us then? lazy? do not know how to fetch it? or u just want to feel what it's like to be a master who have a slave to order to? if u that stupid, u can learn it by experiencing the stupid thing urself, why giving so many excuses? I AM NOT UR FUCKING SLAVE!!!
thankfully i come into my right mind that time, rather than having myself being treated like a dog fetching a bone after it was thrown, i withdraw myself from this lose-win interaction, where i lose and u win all the time...i mean, yes!!! u always wanted to win right??? i dunno why u always treat me like i m such a lower form of life when u can treat others well....am i that easy to you? have i shown u mercy that permit u to treat me like ur slave? am i dat stupid? is it me and my wrong judgement? cant u see that i cant bear knowing u feeling hungry when im feeding myself, that's why i went to all the trouble just to have meals with you, then u treat me like this...i feel like being used!!! USED!!!! USED!!!
there was a time when i felt like this before, it was when i changed my high school in perlis...the only friend at that time was this junior who was my dormmate, yup, i like her, i seriously do...i dunno why, but over time, i really hate her...even hearing her name being mentioned could make me feel like punching myself in the face!!! I HATE HER SO MUCH!!! but, i could not remember what have she done to me...that's what happen when everytime i hate someone, i just hate them, but i forgot on why do i hate them on the first thing...maybe because at that time, the pain was so strong that my mind could not bear to store the painful memory into my brain, so the memory was cast away...
even though i could no longer remember what she did, i still hate her until now...as for you, i hope i would not store any memory of yours too....so that when we are away cashing our lifepath, and we meet again, i could still be your friend and hopefully i would not hate you by then...because i know the memory would lose, but the feeling remains~ please, do not make me feel like im a toy again, will you? but i doubt it, because i think u are a kind that toying with people in order to survive in ur life, life forced you to do that, and yet, i will still blame you if u use me again....
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