aku yang bodoh

ak x menyatakan yg ak sayang kepadanya, tetapi ak betul mula menyukainya kerana dia mempunyai impian dan cita-cita, berbudi bahasa dan berfikiran matang...ak mengaguminya actually, ak boleh nmpk diri ak pada masa hadapan apabila ak bersama dgn nya, berfikiran secara rasional, tidak mudah memaki hamun, tenang dalam setiap perbuatan, dan segalanya....di tambah pula dengan sikap mudah mesra dia terhadap ku, segala-gala nya dia ceritakan, pasal dirinya, keluarga, kerjaya, pengalaman hidup..."this is a very nice experience" i said to myself each time im going out with him...and im really ready to put the past relationship behind me, ready to move on, ready to distance myself with ash, and ready to prepare myself for whatever that's coming to my way...and i even let my mother know each time im going out with him, so that he would not turn up out of the blue someday when i am ready to introduce him properly to my parent....

and guess what...

ALL THAT WAS A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who would have thought that one fine saturday morning i would received a message from some number claiming to be his wife? (and he said to me that he is single and i believed him). i made my own conclusion, i thought it was his best friend and so i carelessly humor myself by texting to the number that im gonna be her honey and im really looking forward to it. and as the texting go, little by little im feeling a bit tense, because "she" sounded like one (the wife), and i asked ash to go to whatsapp and wechat and search her number up. and that was when the truth came out...

it was a woman diver at whatsapp, and on the wechat, it was that same woman with him, sitting side by side, smiling. only god knows how i felt at that time. and suddenly, out of nowhere, tears streaming down my face while i was gobbling mcd's hashbrown. how can this happen like this? how? why? why? i can't think at that moment. i am speechless, i felt betrayed, lied upon, i feel stupid right until now, i feel angry, i feel ....i dont know how to describe my other feelings...if i ever stab my chest with a knife, then probably i can tell you that it would feel the same. i was so shocked and i couldn't stop my tears. and imagine that at that moment, i was having my breakfast with ash, and there were lots of people nearby. and i can tell that some even noticed me crying, but hell i care about all those other people....

i apologized to her for my only-me-myself-humored text messages, and she told me to look upon her facebook. and on that facebook cover were her and him on their wedding day, wearing purple sanding outfit. and there was his facebook to, with facebook cover of him and her on their wedding day also but in a white outfit. and it was all proven, she is his wife, and i feel like i should really kill myself right now for all the embarrassedment that i felt, the stupidness of my logic thinking, the easy-to-melt heart, the everything!!! i don't even want that day to exist at that time. i feel so fuckingly stupid!

i was so weak, she started asking questions about when did i meet his husband, where did we went, what did we do etc etc...and i just keep on answering her, maybe because of guilt? i don't know. i can't think straight, i was lost and i hope that she started to scold me but she didn't. she was only asking the whereabout of his husband and me on certain date, dates that his husband kept missing from her. and i fitted her jigsaw puzzles dates perfectly, confirming that each time the husband went missing on her, he was with me. 

 

and lastly she snapped, she texted me something like this, (i've deleted the original message because i know that if i keep it, i will repeatedly read it, and i will be repeatedly hurt by it) 

 

"awak tahu ke suami saya tu penganggur, kereta yang awak naik tu kereta saya, kerja yang dia cakap kat awak tu saya yang punya, saya yg kerja kat ***, event2 tu semua saya yang handle, hotel semua saya yang booking, duit yang dia keluar utk awak tu semua hasil titik peluh saya tahu. dia kata kat saya yang dia risau saya drive sorg2 ke kl, rupa-rupanya dia ada niat lain. malam rabu tu saya yg risau tggu dia sampai malam x balik2, bila kol dia bg mcm2 alasan, rupa-rupanya dia dengan awak. ......."

 

there were some sentences after that that really made me angry, but i already forgot what they were, but yeah, that last sentence was so cruel that i can barely breathe at the time i finished reading her message, and yeah of course i replied to her brutal message, giving a brutal message myself, saying that i am being lied too, i am a fool to trust an old man, that i actually have a better future and i dont really care about her god-damned-money that she thinks i was spending on. and the last sentence i gave her was i think, the most powerful one... 

"kalau akak masih nak tanggung lagi jantan keparat macam tu, suka hati akak la, saya x heran langsung!"

and maybe after that she realized that i am a victim too, and she just asked about any other dates and places without scolding me. and i answered her obediently. and that conversation ended just like that.